


I can't even stand myself.

by PrinceofBadassery



Series: WinterIron Drabbles [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Amputee Bucky Barnes, Established Relationship, Gen, Hurt Tony Stark, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, War Veteran Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-11-02 01:07:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10933809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrinceofBadassery/pseuds/PrinceofBadassery
Summary: Four years after shutting down Stark Industries weapon productions case files still land on Tony's desk once in a while. He's not used to it but he deals with them, until one particular incident throws him off completely. Bucky is there to comfort him but for Tony that only makes it worse.Part of the WinterIron Drabble seriesDrabble list on tumblr: https://berserkhamster.tumblr.com/post/158660461442/drabble-list





	I can't even stand myself.

It's been 4 years. 

Four god damn years, two months, twenty-one days and - Tony glanced at the clock - eleven hours since he had declared that Stark Industries would stop producing weapons and Tony had thought after months of work to restructure every part of his company he would eventually be rid of the blood that stained his hands but no. The past kept rearing its ugly head and every couple of months old reports would come in, uncovering events where his weapons had been involved that needed to be investigated, criminals had to be pursued, reparations had to be made. 

Tony should be used to it by now, seeing the bomb sites, the destroyed towns and cities, but it didn't get easier. Knowing it was him and his corrupt company that have caused this destruction. This file however was different. As soon as his eyes fell on the date and the location a cold shiver ran down his spine. 

He knew that file, knew even before he opened it what pictures would await him and yet he couldn't stop his fingers from clicking on it and flooding the screens with all too familiar images. There was a pressure building in his chest and he couldn't breath. His eyes were drawn to the flipped over military trucks, one missing the front section completely, some other's a tangled mess, a giant crater in the sand next to it. There was surprisingly little blood. 

The soft hiss of the lab door was the only warning Tony got before he felt hot breath against his neck.

"Hello, doll." Bucky purred into Tony's ear, one hand sneaked up the tense muscles of his back and when it wasn't joined by a second hand Tony knew Bucky had taken off his prosthesis for the night. Tony sucked in a breath and shuddered, crumbling suddenly, gasping for air. Bucky's arm was around his midsection in a second steadying him. "What's wrong, Tony?" 

Tony straightened again, leaning forward away from Bucky, gesturing at the file, not able to form words. He could feel Bucky stiffen behind him, his hand moved from his stomach to Tony's shoulder.

"Why are you looking at my file?" 

Tony swallowed hard, bracing himself against the desk in front of him. 

"It was me." 

"Huh?" Bucky sounded confused, of course he was, he wasn't expecting his boyfriend to be responsible for losing his entire squad, responsible for losing his arm and leaving him with tons of scars both physically and mentally. 

"The bomb. It was one of mine." 

Bucky was silent. The only indication that he had even heard what Tony had said was the slightly tighter grip on his shoulder. Tony didn't know what was going to happen, he excepted everything. This was unforgivable, Bucky would leave him, hate him forever - 

"And?" 

Tony was pulled from his downward spiral, Bucky was rubbing his shoulder, it almost felt comforting, if Tony didn't know what was coming now.

"And what?" His voice cracked. 

"Do you know how they got it?" Bucky sounded so calm, how was he not yelling at him, telling him to fuck off, get out of his life?

"What does it matter? It's my fault, I'm responsible!" He twisted out of Bucky's hold and took a step back, facing Bucky and looking into his boyfriend's confused face. "How are you not angry? This ruined your life!" 

Bucky's face softened and he stepped forward, reaching out to Tony, but Tony wouldn't have any of it. He evaded Bucky's touch, he wanted to face whatever was coming head on. 

"You should be fucking furious!" 

"Tony...of course I'm angry, they fucked up my life and they used the bombs you designed. Of course I'm fucking angry." Bucky reached out again but didn't touch him, his hand hovering just shy of Tony's arm. Bucky only wore a tanktop, revealing the gruesome scars on his shoulder and chest. Tony hated himself for it, he was the reason those scars were there. 

"Then why are you not yelling at me? I'm fucking disgusting. I'm responsible for what happened to you!" Tony gestured to Bucky's empty shoulder. "That was my bomb that took your arm! Why are you so calm about this?" 

"It wasn't you who used it. Yes, I thought it was an IED but it's not.. It doesn't change anything, Tony." 

Tony couldn't take it anymore, this was just too much, he broke down, sobbing, allowing Bucky to wrap his arm around him and pulling him close.

"How can you... How can you still touch me? I can't even stand myself." 

Bucky didn't say anything, Tony wouldn't have believed anything he could have said, he just rubbed circles across Tony's back. 

"I did this to you." Tony managed to get out between sobs, leaning flush against Bucky's chest, he had his fingertips on the edge of those nasty scars. He only made it worse, he didn't deserve to be cuddled and comforted for the crimes he had committed. For the pain he had caused.

Bucky rested his cheek on top of Tony's head, humming softly. "No, you didn't." His arm tightened around Tony and he pressed a soft kiss to his forehead. And that was that, they stood there for several minutes, Tony trying to control his breathing, trying to stop the sobs. His rational mind told him Bucky was right, but then why did he feel so god damn guilty? 

A few eternal minutes passed with Tony silently sobbing into Bucky's tanktop. Eventually he calmed down, emotionally exhausted he leaned heavily on Bucky not able to keep his balance, the world was blurry in front of his eyes.

"Come on, babe, let's go to bed and we'll talk about this in the morning, alright?" Bucky said softly and scratched the sensitive spot between Tony's shoulder blade then trailed his hand down Tony's arm, holding gently onto his wrist. 

Tony nodded and let Bucky guide his arm over his shoulder and across his neck, the movement ever so slow and soft. Tony mimicked the movement with his other arm as well, interlocking his hands behind his boyfriend's neck. It was a practiced move, they've done it a hundred times and Tony knew what was coming next when he felt Bucky's hand supporting his butt. He gave a weak hop and wrapped his legs around Bucky's waist with Bucky doing most of the lifting and Tony mostly just holding on.

The closeness helped. Feeling Bucky against all of him, holding, clinging onto him, Bucky couldn't leave him like this. It was an irrational thought but it calmed him.

"How are you so good at this?" Tony mumbled. 

"At what? Carrying you?" Bucky adjusted Tony on his side and kissed his cheek. "J, shut everything down, I'm gonna take care of this handsome mess." 

"Of course, Sir." 

Tony shook his head, his face buried against Bucky's neck and in his long hair. "At this... emotional stuff."

"A certain someone insisted I go to therapy and actually paid for several hundred sessions over the past five years. Guess something eventually stuck."

"Sounds like a smart dude you know there."

"He's a genius actually. Don't know how he puts up with me. Bedroom, J." They were in the elevator now and Tony was glad everything in his home could be voice activated, that way Bucky didn't have to let go of him. Doors opened automatically, or rather JARVIS opened them for them, and Bucky could carry Tony all the way to the bed where Tony reluctantly let go. With some help from Bucky, Tony managed to take off his pants and slip under the covers, Bucky was already ready for bed but went into the bathroom for a moment. Tony instantly missed the closeness and reached out when his boyfriend emerged from the bathroom door.

"I'm not going to leave you, Tony." Bucky crawled into the bed next to him and almost face planted into the pillows, when Tony scurried closer and offset his balance. Tony rolled on top of him once they were settled and rested his head on Bucky's chest, one hand finding its way into Bucky's hair his other hand resting on the scars on his shoulder.

"I know...I know that, my brain also knows it, I think at least. It's just... I'm so sorry, Bucky." Fresh tears threatened to spill once more and he swallowed hard, trying to hold them back.

"It's not your fault, Tony." Bucky was rubbing circles on his back again and lazily scratched the nape of Tony's neck. "If it hadn't been for you I don't think I would have recovered. You didn't ruin my life, in a way you saved it." 

They had met almost five years ago. Tony had had an appointment with some high ranking military official at camp Lehigh, not that Tony had paid any attention when Pepper had told him the details. The army dude had turned out to be the recently transferred, highly decorated, Captain Steve Rogers. They had been in the midst of a heated argument with barely held back insults about whether or not Tony's new weapon designs were safe to test for new recruits when someone in the office told the Captain not to be rude to the hot billionaire selling them weapons. Tony hadn't even known another person had been in the room and when he turned around he had seen a scruffy man lounging on the couch. He was dressed in rumpled civilian clothes, unshaven and looking like he was growing out a military haircut, the missing arm didn't clue Tony in however and he bluntly asked why there was a homeless guy in the Captain's office. They had taken it from there and it turned out not only Bucky's clothes had been a mess, after Tony had found out what had happened to him he had done everything in his power to help him. Bucky had been the reason Stark Industries had turned 180° and started developing high-end prostheses as well as medical equipment after Tony had shut down the weapon production.

Tony stayed silent, Bucky was right, he knew that, but they both knew it wasn't that easy. They both had their demons and Tony realized that maybe he hadn't paid as much attention to his own as he had to Bucky's. He hadn't realized how much Obadiah's betrayal still hurt him, how he still suffered four years later from the aftermath. He grounded himself in the here and now, feeling the warm body underneath him, the pleasant smell of his boyfriend, listening to Bucky's slow and steady breathing. His own breaths evened out and he was able to close his eyes and not see the carnage he had caused and the blood on his hands.


End file.
